So if your like me you may often wonder if your life is truly balanced or at times if balance really exists. I recently accepted a job at a local University and started the same day my son started his new School and yes I am thrilled to be working at a job I enjoy with people I enjoy but I am not without conflict. While my son is safe and supported in a wonderful school with highly trained staff I still feel torn as to if I should even be working – you see I have been my sons voice and advocate for so long that it will ALWAYS be a challenge to know when to pull back. My purpose for the last decade has been my son, his education, his needs, his wants, his likes, his dislikes, his diagnosis, his doctors, his hobbies and though completely necessary it came at a cost. I can say with 100% certainty that making my son my whole life for so long took its toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and I believe had I practiced finding balance more I would not have paid such a high price.
I will never regret the hard work or tireless nights I put in for my son and his future but being completly consumed by that only was not only not healthy but really did not get me anywhere. I lost me, I lost what gave my life fullfillment, I stopped connecting with my husband, I stopped being creative, I stopped growing, I stopped living, stopped loving – I was merely surviving. I should add that in my early 20’s I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder and while I was taking medication I still wasn’t practicing self-care or any sort of balance and there were times I spiraled showing only a shadow of who I used to be.
If I could tell the mom I was ten years ago one thing it would be to stop and “Breathe” I would tell myself that I matter too. That I am more than just Clinton’s mom or Charlie’s wife. I would tell myself to take care of me. I would tell myself to eat healthy, take naps, exercise, read a book and stay in touch with myself. I would tell myself that I was a good mom and that I was good enough. I would say trust yourself Cathie. There is so much thrown at you when you have child who has profound obstacles that you really do not know which way is up andyou just start throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. There is an absolute overload of information thrown at you without an equal amount of support, it’s like being a rat in a maze but you never get the cheese. I love my son and I wouldn’t change him if I could, hes amazing and these last ten years have taught me so much far beyond Dyslexia, ADHD, Autism, scores, benchmarks or Special Education – I just wish I had put it together soon.
Balance is tricky because we live in a society that is always telling us every chance it can we aren’t good enough, fast enough, thin enough, pretty enough, successfull enough so we are in the cycle of more. We feel behind the eight ball before our feet have even touched the floor in the morning. There are days I am still a hot mess and nothing goes right and my clothes don’t even match, but when I get to the end of my day if I know I did my best and gave it my all – I let it go and try again tomorrow. I enourage you to ease up on yourself, be kind to yourself, take time for yourself and love yourself – Your worth it and if you need help, ask for it. Being a mom is not easy let alone being a mom to child who has different abilities and that’s not because of the child it is because the world tries to make your square peg fit into a round hole. Trust yourself. Listen to your child especially what they don’t say and take time to breathe, take time for you, for your spouse.